"The gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my ability to absorb positive knowledge." - Albert Einstein

Long has it been since I've sat down at my computer and contemplated a new webpage. And long will it be again before I'm likely to actually to finish it. Course it's quite likely I'll never actually 'finish' it but once more go onto a new design, for I am happiest designing graphics for the page then generally fitting it together. Of course, as many can attest too, not all my designs have been pleasing to the eye or to the mind. Alas, sometimes they were meant to be a little uneasy on the mind, but they usually do not last long for I get tired of them quickly.

"Not all who wander are lost." - JRR Tolkein

Again I have hit a period in my life where things are in motion and I'm not quite sure where to turn. It seems so strange to actually be wanting to drive a tracter/trailer seeing how most of my life driving as scared the daylights out of me. I mean, I never got my license until I was 21. Of course by that time it really wasn't for want of trying. I did try and get it, but alas my friends who's vehicles I had been using ended up going TDY. So between bad luck and myself it took me awhile, it just never was very important. But now I sit here desperately wanting to get my CDL, wanting to be behind the wheel of a truck and traversing across the states. I am not really sure what has gotten into me, I don't think there was ever a job I wanted so much. I can't quite say there hasn't been anything I've wanted so much, because I have, but most of it has been abstract in nature as well as elusive to but into words. Many of them have centered on a place to be, or someone to be with, but this is somehow different, something much more concrete. Who am I to argue?

I have long known something or someone has been looking out for me. Though I would be hard pressed to put it fully into words. As many know I don't really believe in religion even if I do believe in the fact that there is something out there watching. Are there angels? I would say it depends on your definition of an angel. A being outside of our own nature? Then yes, I would say there are angels, or guardians as I tend to think of them. Considering my close calls and the way of things happening the way I would hope they would happen, well I can't really say that it's all luck and happenstance. The very term coincidence bothers me, I suppose because there have been way too many 'convenient coincidences'. Is it fate? Is our destiny preordained? Well, I wouldn't say that either. It is my belief that nothing is set in stone, how can it be? For even a stone doesn't stay the same. Is something perhaps manipulating our lives? I think so.

I remember in high school driving my English teacher up the wall as a friend and I contemplated Life, the Universe, and whatever else crossed out vivid imaginations. At least we really didn't get in trouble as long as we kept our voices down. It wasn't as if we were lagging behind in our assignments, we usually were finished well before the others and well, boredom sets in while waiting and things just sort of happen. Of course, she offered us extra assignments, which both of us did do, but reading and writing little reports on the books didn't take all that long, after all both of us devoured books like chocolate. So again our attentions wondered, from seeing our universe as a single cell on a blade of grass in a whole other universe, to being but pawns in some fantastic game of chess. It was enough to drive anyone batty I suppose, but for us it was a delightful way to pass the time. I'm not saying I'm some great philosopher, after all I only voice opinions, I don't generally back them up with any feasible argument. That is certainly not my forte. But it passed the time, and I supposed laid a foundation for my beliefs.

"To have a positive religion is not necessary. To be in harmony with yourself and the universe is what counts, and this is possible without positive and specific formulation in words." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

As a child I became interested in religion and asked to be allowed to go to church with our neighbors. I was eight at the time. They were Roman Catholics and much of what I learned was fascinating to my young fertile mind. The idea that there was some all powerful and all knowing being was intriguing, though I'm sure I wouldn't have put it in quite those words at the time. All I knew was that some of the things I learned from Father Tony put goose bumps down my arms. But alas as I grew older and delved deeper into it I found many things in the Catholic religion and in Christianity itself that I found very wrong, down to the core of my being. I don't mean just Inquisitions that happened but many things just didn't seem to feel right and so I drifted away.

In High School I became friends with several different people of various religious background, some to my mothers consternation. She did /not/ like Jehovah's Witnesses. They didn't bother me, there idea's were different and not to my way of thinking, but I didn't feel threatened by it. As time went on I learned about Mormons, another my mother didn't really approve of, as well as Baptists, Protestants and Episcopalians. None of them felt right and even when I was in the Air Force and helping out in the chapel, I still didn't find anything that grabbed onto me.

I started reading about Wiccans, some of that really touched me deep down, but again, it didn't quite fit. Ancient Religions did hold a bit of a fascination for me with their multiple deities, and it felt a little closer to right for me, but not quite. My attention wondered from the Western world into the Eastern. Here I found much that caught my eye, more so than many of the Western religions. Though I've yet to learn more then a basing knowledge of many of the different faiths, I still don't think it quite fits me. At least not all of it. Much of it perhaps, or maybe only some but too often it seems to confined.

"It is not so much what you believe in that matters, as the way in which you believe it and proceed to translate that belief into action." - Lin Yutang

So what do I believe in? It's so much easier to say what I don't believe in then what I do in someways and in others it's just as hard. I believe there is something out there watching, or I should say some things. Some benevolent, and others not so benevolent. I believe I have someone looking over me in particular and saving my tail in many instances and otherwise guiding my path. And I do mean guiding, not leading. My path is mine to choose, they only offer advice if you'll listen. I believe in spirits, lesser than deities but certainly greater then this lowly little peon that I am. I believe the world is full of these spirits. Mercurial in temperament and imbued throughout nature. Many of which I think don't even necessarily even notice us mere mortals. One true God and only one? I don't think so. It goes too much against nature I think. Things aren't meant to be alone, male and female, light and day, heaven and earth. Pairs abound in this world. But if you look even deeper there are more than just pairs. Air, Earth, Water, Fire. North, East, South, West. So many things can be broken down into many parts. Is there but one tree? One continent? One world even? There are numerous worlds on this one planet, and even this planet isn't alone for it as many sister planets, so why only one God? No. There are others perhaps some are a bit more shy than others, but they are there nonetheless. They say life is what we make of it, and my belief is much the same.

©2005 Kryss